i have made a few attempts in the last couple months to write something (including one a short few minutes ago) but i just don't know what to write. the last four-five-ish months have been pretty phenomenal, but i can't really share all that here. i don't even really know why i am typing for. every time i sit down here to write something i get this thought of not wanting to write something unless it's actually worth writing. and that isn't to say that things which have been happening in my life right now aren't worth writing about, quite the contrary (see statement above)
i've actually pretty well weeded internet use out of my life almost as best i can. it is such a ridiculous waste of time, which makes me question why i am still writing, but maybe if i keep typing for a few minutes then something grand will occur.
grace is a funny thing you know, rather it's an intensely complicated thing, but good, so good. every once in a while i have these moments in time when i'm reminded of the passionate love Jesus has for me, it happened this morning. i was singing a song:
come let us turn to the Lord
for He's called us each His own
come let us love, for He's said
you have ravished Me my bride
I am yours and you are Mine
You call my name, i will arise
for You're jealous for my love
forsaking it all, for You said
go and leave you father's home
come and cling to Me alone
when i got to the part of His jealousy for my love i totally lost it...i just wept...
it made me think of how i try so hard sometimes to please Him--but all He really desires is my affections for Him. there is no contingency to the Father's love, it is love--undefiled. human love is naturally with fault because of our narcissistic attitudes and personal insecurities. sometimes i love in order to be loved, to get that feeling that someone really cares about me and fill that void or whatever...but His love is LOVE--undefiled. He doesn't need a return; He isn't trying to manipulate a situation so that i will pity love Him; and He doesn't want me to order our steps and pound out a law which will somehow facilitate an outward temperament of love toward Him. He just really wants me to love Him, for Him. not with the idea that if i do so, i will be loved in return, that piece can't be earned.
oh the reaches i sometimes go to get God's attention. i'll pray, and fast, and will myself not to sin, and blah blah blah...He wants my love. all the praise songs in the world could be summed up in a pure heart saying Father, Son, Spirit-i love You. when i see moments in my life that i started to live that phrase out ...i love You, i love You... then elements of life which i was using as a means to try and receive love, became a means to express love. i love You Father so much that i want to read Your word and become intimate with Your heart. i love You Jesus so much that i want to suffer in my flesh by fasting and take on Your example of humility. i love You Spirit so much that i wont allow sin in my life to affect my communion with You.
He's jealous for my love, and He waits patiently, eagerly for me to fall in love with who He is.
okay, i'm way over my internet quota for a while. sorry for not proofreading.
