lebahon jones

remember that time...

2009-03-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

when i used to write on my blog? that was fun.

i have made a few attempts in the last couple months to write something (including one a short few minutes ago) but i just don't know what to write. the last four-five-ish months have been pretty phenomenal, but i can't really share all that here. i don't even really know why i am typing for. every time i sit down here to write something i get this thought of not wanting to write something unless it's actually worth writing. and that isn't to say that things which have been happening in my life right now aren't worth writing about, quite the contrary (see statement above)

i've actually pretty well weeded internet use out of my life almost as best i can. it is such a ridiculous waste of time, which makes me question why i am still writing, but maybe if i keep typing for a few minutes then something grand will occur.

grace is a funny thing you know, rather it's an intensely complicated thing, but good, so good. every once in a while i have these moments in time when i'm reminded of the passionate love Jesus has for me, it happened this morning. i was singing a song:

come let us turn to the Lord

for He's called us each His own

come let us love, for He's said

you have ravished Me my bride

I am yours and you are Mine

You call my name, i will arise

for You're jealous for my love

forsaking it all, for You said

go and leave you father's home

come and cling to Me alone

when i got to the part of His jealousy for my love i totally lost it...i just wept...

it made me think of how i try so hard sometimes to please Him--but all He really desires is my affections for Him. there is no contingency to the Father's love, it is love--undefiled. human love is naturally with fault because of our narcissistic attitudes and personal insecurities. sometimes i love in order to be loved, to get that feeling that someone really cares about me and fill that void or whatever...but His love is LOVE--undefiled. He doesn't need a return; He isn't trying to manipulate a situation so that i will pity love Him; and He doesn't want me to order our steps and pound out a law which will somehow facilitate an outward temperament of love toward Him. He just really wants me to love Him, for Him. not with the idea that if i do so, i will be loved in return, that piece can't be earned.

oh the reaches i sometimes go to get God's attention. i'll pray, and fast, and will myself not to sin, and blah blah blah...He wants my love. all the praise songs in the world could be summed up in a pure heart saying Father, Son, Spirit-i love You. when i see moments in my life that i started to live that phrase out ...i love You, i love You... then elements of life which i was using as a means to try and receive love, became a means to express love. i love You Father so much that i want to read Your word and become intimate with Your heart. i love You Jesus so much that i want to suffer in my flesh by fasting and take on Your example of humility. i love You Spirit so much that i wont allow sin in my life to affect my communion with You.

He's jealous for my love, and He waits patiently, eagerly for me to fall in love with who He is.

okay, i'm way over my internet quota for a while. sorry for not proofreading.

here's a brilliant idea

2008-11-15T09:05:00.000-08:00

instead of worrying about keeping our tires maxed out on pressure to save gas--what if we all put helium in our car tires??? then we could drive around hovercrafts and be all back to future III-like. can you imagine how good your gas mileage would be?

you'll thank me in a few years once this fad catches on.

i need...

2008-11-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

an extra day of life. i literally have my entire week booked from wake-up to about 9:30pm everyday this week. argh.

voting

2008-10-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

running for state treasurer

michael marsh
constitution party
occupation: maintenance
occupational background: a variety of jobs
educational background: some college
prior governmental experience: none

honestly...is this some kind of joke by the constitution party? trying to pull a fast one on us regualr folk. also, could this candidate possibly have snapped a photo which makes us question his ability to govern any more than this photo? im almost embarrassed to live in this state. the other night merle and i were trying to fathom the group of drunken old men that were playing cards the night they decided that mike would be running for treasurer.

one guy you should check out is bob skipper, running for multnomah county sheriff. for starters: what a great sheriff name, "bob skipper" this guy was made to wear the badge. secondarily, i couldn't find his photo on the online guide, but if you've seen this picture, you're more than sold. he has the most legit sheriff stache you may have ever seen. i mean that thing is true mustache gold. clearly my vote goes to bob.

happy voting, go mccain.

pumpkins

2008-10-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

as you've noticed i did a little schematic change-up with the page. i'm not what you would call computer savvy, so its nothing incredible, just a different color motif. i went with the orange and green in the spirit of the season.

its like pumpkins.

i've had much more time on my hands lately, and i have been processing a lot of things, so i may be writing on here a bit more as i am working through these ideas and self-discoveries. there is so much i feel like i could write about now, but most of it i should sit on for a bit longer before i go making an ass out of myself. writing things out often helps me process thoughts that are at a standstill in my mind. not only writing, but talking and just thinking do as well. some people say they are verbal processors, or mental processors. i think i'm just a slow processor. i'm so laid back sometimes that things which begin to get processed in my mind can often just be forgotten altogether either by my own neglection, or the fact that it doesn't really bother me all that much, so i don't remember it.

anyway, i've been exhorted much lately, and that has been nice amid the turmoil, sting, and confusion of life right now. thank you all for your love and encouragement in my life. until later. abide in Him.

you got a fast car

2008-10-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

i really don't enjoy driving. right now i spend well over an hour everyday driving from home--to work--to other work--and back home. and if i have any other plans for the day i can pretty much pump my daily driving time to just shy of the 2 hour mark. what a horrific waste of time.

i don't usually drive too fast, you know, like unsafe fast, but sure, at times i let it get out of control. sometimes, i drive up to a stop light late at night, i stop, wait for a second, there are no cars coming in any direction, so i just drive through the red light. i know it's illegal, but it's completely safe. it just seems ridiculous to sit there, waiting for the stupid light to turn green for my proper turn to start driving, when there isn't any danger in me going right then.

in my 8 years of driving i've received some 6 or 7 tickets. most of them were legitimate, but a few not so much. i've also been in 3 collisions, twice i've rear-ended another car, and one time i tried to reverse out of my friends driveway and pull a 180 degree spin move as i came out onto the road. the 180 was more like a 90 and then another 90 in a perpendicular direction. it ended up with me and Tyler tank hatching it out of my poor overturned pick-up...that absolutely sucked ass. i still drove that pick-up for two years after that. i ended up duct-taping some racing numbers on that puppy, and she ran like a gem until the day i finally totaled it.

like i said though, these days i drive a way to much. i don't have a functioning cd player or fm radio in my car either, so for a long time i was listening to hours upon hours, week after week of talk radio. maybe a month ago i decided to turn it off and start driving in silence. so now i think a lot while i drive. i get all introspective and crap. the other day i had this thought about how driving relates to what i'm going through in life right now.

i pretty much always drive over the speed limit. we all do. most of the time it's just the standard 5-10 miles over, but every now and again i really push the boundaries. one time i got my nissan altima up to 127 mph. it was stupid, but i guess i was just curious how fast i could get going. the problem with always driving over the speed limit is that whenever a cop comes into view i get all paranoid and slow down for fear of getting a ticket, like somehow he managed to overlook how blazing fast i was just going. driving fast is hard on the car as well. on my last trip up from california Merle and i overheated the engine and blew the head gasket, and i still don't think this car is running normal again despite thousands of dollars worth of repairs. maybe i just need to slow down.

for years i've struggled with sexual sin. on some level, for nearly as long as i've been driving, i've allowed compromise in my sexual life. about a year ago i actually began doing something about it. i brought my secret life of sin out into the open with some people that i trust. through these relationships and through confession God has been faithful to give me a certain amount of victory. i sought grace, i sought forgiveness, i sought repentance, i sought healing.

there are costs to making bad choices when i drive. i've probably paid somewhere in $1500 range for all my traffic violations. my decisions to speed, or to not wear a safety belt, or to drive through a road construction detour all cost me in the pocket book. when i look at it from this end, of course i wish that i had just followed the rules and avoided the fines, but that's easy to say from this side.

i wish i could put a price tag on the losses i've incurred through my decisions to live a sexually sinful lifestyle. but these losses go far beyond money. i've lost time, i've lost vision, i've lost true passions, i've lost relationships.

of course there are costs to driving in a completely legal manner as well. proper vehicle maintenance and insurance for example. in fact the amount of money i've put into these two things far outweigh the amount of fines i've paid for my negligent driving. at first i thought this ironic, but as i realized that driving is a privilege, i understood that these financial 'losses' are actually a part of the responsibility that comes with that privilege.

the costs of me living a sexual pure lifestyle are sometimes overwhelming to me, but they are my responsibility. i take heart at the words of Christ in the sermon on the mount, if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. it is better for you to lose one part of you body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. there is no cost great enough to forsake righteousness. my pastor always says that giving your life to the Lord doesn't cost you anything, but it costs you everything. the forgiveness is completely paid for by God's gracious shedding of His own Son's blood, but in return for that grace we have to bring everything before Him and submit it all to His will. His will is many things, but above all, it is righteousness. i don't write these words without hesitation nor without self-conviction. these words are being birthed in me and in my life right now. the costs of righteousness is high, it's everything. it costs me time, it costs me self-pride, it costs me money, but it gains me a blessed hope.

sometimes i just wish i could sell my car and get a nice bike, or a pack horse, or a sherpa, or something like that to get me around. but of course that's not a realistic hope. the reality is that i'll continue pumping money into the transportation beast via insurance, gas, and the never ending maintenance bills. i also wish there was an easier way out of the toil i'm walking through, that i could just decide that i don't want to have a sexual nature, and i could go through life without ever having those thoughts, or desires, or struggles. yet again, i realize the vain hope which lies there. so i continue to fight this fight. i know i will overcome. i'm hopeful of how it might look on the other side, and i'm ready to pay any costs it takes to get there.

and just shy of two months

2008-08-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

i know...i know, i've let you all down. all three or four or you have every right to be very dissappointed in me. alas, i have returned, i can't gaurantee a regular writing. really, i just wanted to give an update into my life and share some recent thoughts.

i have spent my summer working for portland parks and rec. they own these portable rock climbing walls which me and my buddy griffin (aka griffindor, the g-man, griffinator) would tow to a park or community center and set up for kids to climb on. it was a great job, but i am definitely ready to move on to the next step. i spent much of the summer talking with the community center which the rock walls operated out of about working in the fall. earlier in the summer they asked if i would be one of the after school program instructors. so a few weeks ago, as the rock wall gig was closing down that option was spoken about and solidified. then just yesterday i ended up getting offered a job at a gresham middle schools as an english language learner (ell) educational assistant. it is a great job, and i am actually going to attempt to work both at the middle school and the community center. what im saying is that i have been blessed with two great jobs in which i can explore and gain experience in the educational field.

God has blessed me with some awesome people as my family and friends. my girlfriend alyssa is amazing. she's incredibly wise, full of grace, funny (really funny), sincere, and absolutely beautiful(ow-OOW!). then there's someone like merle, continually helping me understand new aspects of the creator i never would discover on my own, or justin, full of zeal and passion to touch the Father's heart. i am blessed. this summer my father went to zambia for a month. he kept a blog and it is chalked full of truth and wisdom on many matters of life which he wrote about while exploring and discovering a new culture. i often found myself in tears reading his words half way across the globe. if you get a chance, you should check it out. http://www.danonamission.wordpress.com/ also you can find merle's blog here http://www.pmerles.blogspot.com/ (he totally ripped my layout off, but i forgive him.)

this seems like a lot for now, i didn't really get to the more recent thoughts part, but hopefully i will get to it soon. i bid you well.

entirely unmotivated

2008-06-05T13:56:00.001-07:00

i have been on the job search as of late. it is however only a search, which often means a serious load of down time waiting to hear back from potential jobs. i'm not umotivated to have a job, trust me, it totally sucks not having a job when you are looking for a job. i have so little to do, i just get bored. the things im unmotivated to do are the very things that i could be spending much of this extra time in my lap doing: reading, writing, playing music, learning to speak a dead language, etc. pretty much all of things that i wont have any time to do once i do have job. trying to find work is lame. im trying to be a bit selective and not just jump at any ol' job that comes my way. i really want to get some kind of experience in the educational field. the problem is i dont really have any experience in the ecducational field, so my hirability isn't exactly at the top of anyone's list. i have been avoiding writing on the blog for so long. no real good reason for that avoidance except a void of desire. there has been a lot happening in the last few weeks but i just haven't felt any urge to write about it....wait for it, nope, still dont. maybe if i get a little fire in my belly i can post something about the trip down to so-cal i made with merle and our four day layover on the way back up. please pray that i will have favor in finding a good job.

lyss

2008-05-21T10:03:00.001-07:00

should i come looking for you???

twinkle

2008-05-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

there have been rumors of me and merle making a hitchhiking venture from portland down to los angeles. well some might call them rumors, others might call them proud boasts by myself and merle neglecting the reactions and warnings of nearly every female that heard of our plans. the other night i was driving with merlin and i told him how both my grandma and my mom had offered to buy our plane tickets if we would ditch our hitchhiking plans. in a witty vaunting tone i carried on, "it's not even about not wanting to buy tickets, i mean seriously, i have 2 free one way tickets with southwest if we wanted to fly." about 5 hours later, after a few rounds and a tree climb it had been decided that we should fly. i know, it's weak, and i feel defeated every time i mention it. but i know about a dozen people that are absolutely thrilled to hear the new plans.

last night i walked for the multnomah graduation. i actually finished last summer, and then officially graduated in december, but i wanted to walk in the ceremony with all of those i started my educational pursuits with and so many people i love dearly.

what now??? damned fine question! im glad you asked...that's a lie, don't ask me that.

im pretty sure that i want to be a teacher. i know it's broad. what subject? what age? where at? luckily a few of those questions were conveniently answered in a mad libs given to me by alyssa for some graduation ceremony entertainment. apparently i will be a science teacher in des moines ten years from now. i know i know, it's borderline absurd (much like some other things found within the mad libs, like the supposedly performed activities i did while at multnomah: sleeping on the couch in the library and sniffing [HA!]). but seriously im trying to figure this whole thing out, and i know i will before long.

okay, let's wrap this puppy up. i need a job! i have an official lady friend (for those who are just dying to know aka rachell), yes i called her my lady friend (girlfriend is way overused and hardly carries significance anymore). ethel, thanks for your comment and encouragement, and both my sister and i are now wondering how to connect with you (she got a message a while back , but didn't have a number to call back on), and to end, why not another funny quote from earlier today. either my dad or darla said something about a relationship needing the couple to make one another "twinkle." justin (jp that is) in pure cynical fashion, then produced a brilliantly hilarious scenario about him finding a girl that will make him "twinkle."
-justin to a girl upon his first "twinkle" experience: "you make me twinkle"
-the girl's likely response: "okay...you go clean yourself up, and im gonna leave"
-me: "HAHAHAHAHA!"

i just managed

2008-05-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

to spend a solid 4+ hours playing super mario bros. 3 with lefty. we pretty much had beaten the entire game, but a few levels from mthe end we just gave up. really i bring this up because of a few verily hilarious quotes:

"it's better with luigi because it matches his hat."
-lefty in reference to using the goomba boot (it's green)

"you have a sweatiness problem in general."
-lefty in response to me complaining about having a sweaty hands problem

that's all really, i think maybe i should just start emailing rachel these blogs, because i'm pretty sure she is the only person that is reading this still :)

i suck...

2008-05-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

with keeping up. bottom line, i always have. it's unfortunate especially when people take it entirely personally as though i don't like them. this really has nothing to do with, well anything, i just said that i was going to try and keep writing on here once a week (yeah i know that was two weeks ago when i wrote that) so i just signed on and started typing. honestly, i would be suprised if anyone even reads this, but nonetheless i am here, i am writing.

last week i pretty much settled back in to portland. i got to see a number of people i love dearly: justin, cara, sahara, little eduardo, joey, erika, chloe, eli, gwynie (she cried the instant i said hi to her), merlin, st. petersburg (i love this man), clouser, lyss, ted, lefty, blake, scoobs, well you get the point. i went to last thursday a few weeks ago, and first thursday last week, and saturday i went to a cinco de mayo party and pretty much had the homemade salsa title stolen from my grasp. the greatest thing about the cinco de mayo party was...that i went with alyssa, but the second most amazing thing was this guy reid elliott harrison. he was an instant riot. quote of the night, "those clever mexicans." i think i'll leave it at that. i also went rock climbing with lefty and merle for the first time in ages, good times. by the way, when i say lefty, it means caleb hargrove (some of you may not know that his real name is lefty) and when i say merle, it means "merle."

sunday i came to redmond, where i currently am typing from. i'm not entirely excited to be here (don't ask why, i'm just not), but it is really great to see more family and some of the old crew. hopefully i will have enough time to make the necessary rounds.

i'm going to stop wasting your time and mine. the end.

staying connected

2008-04-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

i have been here in kansas city for a week now, and i haven't exactly had much for internet connection. nevertheless i wanted to make sure and continue posting here on blogger and let you all know that just because i am back in the states doesn't mean that i am not going to blog anymore. i have found a lot of pleasure in keeping this blog, and hopefully i will be able to continue posting something maybe once a week or so.

ihop has been refreshing. i have missed so much the communion of saints and the musical worship of our Lord. christians are made for community, the whole beginnings of the church was that very thing, a community of people who confessed Jesus Christ as Lord, who regularly met to commit their time to prayer, fellowship, teaching and learning, and of course eating (the Lord's supper or communion). needless to say this week is changing my heart, giving me hope, giving me reason and encouragement. God is faithful.

i litrally just red this quote a few minutes ago, but i love it already. it is from phantastes by george macdonald. he is the literary father and inspiration to fantasy authors like cs lewis and tolkien.

"shadow of me!" i said, "which art not me, but which representest thyself to me as me; here i may find a shadow of light which will devour thee, the shadow of darkness! here i may find a blessing which will fall on thee as a curse, and damn thee to the blackness from whence thou hast emerged unbidden."

im still learning. who isn't? but i believe in my God, and i know He is faithful.

He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it. I Thessalonians

vuelvo ahora

2008-04-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

i´m coming back now.

actually i will be finishing packing my bags, hopefully getting a little sleep, and then i will be coming. i leave in about 12 hours, whoa! too soon. tonight i got to go to the church out in torrejon tonight to say good bye to my friends out there. i really love those guys, and i wish that i had spent more time with them while i was in madrid. the guy that spoke tonight is just an awesome man, and though i didn´t catch everything, i understood enough. he was speaking on abraham and when he was told to sacrifice isaac. the bit of gold i grabbed from the message was that the cost of following God is everything. it´s everything. abraham was told to take his son, his ONLY son, and sacrifice him. the speaker went on to say that when you understand the ways of God, the cost of everything, is nothing. with God to lose, is to gain. to give, is to receive. to serve, is to be served. profound, yet simple.

afterward i met with david and some friends to say goodbye. im not incredibly good at good byes, and my lack of ability to speak spanish very clearly doesn´t help; nonetheless, i have met some really incredible people here, and i am going to miss them all.

i really cant ask enough for your prayers. i am still learning, still hurting, still stumbling along, still searching. in just one moment i have realize how far i have yet to go. i am looking foward to this coming week at ihop. it´s exactly what i want to do right now. please pray for me! i am weak, poor, and lost.

when i get in tomorrow night i will have cell phone service, so feel free to call if you want. and please dont be offended if i dont answer or return you calls for a day or two as i recover from the jet lag.

...to hurt, is to heal. to be last, is to be first. to die, is to live...

a picture or two

2008-04-10T02:50:00.000-07:00

so i am not going to write much but i thought i would at least share a picture or two from granada and sevilla.

la alhambra at sunset with the sierra nevada mountains in the background, granada:

plaza españa, sevilla. possibly the most wonderful singular site i´ve ever been:

this is the toreo, manzanares (the one in blue) taking a victory lap after cutting two ears in the rain, sevilla. a corrida to remember:

that´s actually all im going to do today. i don´t feel so well, please pray for me during this time of change, transistion, and testing.

rain rain go away!

2008-04-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

it has been raining off and on since i got to sevilla. i didn´t even bring a jacket from madrid this trip because everyone knows that it doesn´t ever rain in the south of spain, except this week.

last night i went to a bullfight. it was such an obscure corrida. i think ernest hemingway wrote that without the sun, there is no bullfight. not that it is cancelled, but that the sun is such a key ingredient to a succesful bullfight. for me it wasn´t too bad. the tickets prices aren´t based soley upon their proximity to the ring, but depending on whether your seat is sombra (shade), sol (sun), or sol y sombra (sun and shade). a ticket in the exact same level in the sombra is two or three times as expensive as the seat in the sol. this season these two weeks in sevilla is probably the second most important season every year for bullfighting. so all the best fighters are there, and the bulls are suppose to be the most brave anf fit bulls they can find. but as i was saying, it was a pretty weird corrida. there was a horse that got toppled by a bull (the horse wasn´t hurt), there were two rainstorms that came through, one of the bulls got boo´d out of the ring because the people thought it was a coward and too weak, and the very last bull the toreo, amidst the second and much wetter rain storm took two ears (which is almost as good as you can do in sevilla). it was one for the books. by the end i was entirely soaked...entirely, but i wouldn´t have had it any other way.

later i went with this german lady, nina, from the hostal and two of her friends who were also staying in sevilla to the the place where the feria is. there were acres and acres of tents set up for different companies, familys, and clubs. some of the tents are public tents. so we went in to the psoe tent (psoe is the main right wing political party of spain). in the tent we found a huge crowd of people all dancing and clapping and singing along to the sevillana music. it was unlike anything you could imagine, or i could properly write about.

today the rain is at it´s worst. i went to the cathedral, bought an umbrella, and later i am going to meet with christopher and sarah (the germans i met in granada) to maybe go get some tapas and hopefully watch liverpool stick it to arsenal for the champions league match. that´s all for now. i dont know if i will get a chance to write much before i fly home, i think the next few days in madrid will be pretty busy, but we´ll see.

okay, people are waiting to use the computer. i should go. much love!

freshy

2008-04-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

I haven´t left a post in while, so i thought i would just give a quick update. i arrived to sevilla today. midnight tonight marks the beginning of la feria de abril (the april fair). it is a yearly festival held in sevilla a few weeks after semana santa. it´s known for all things spanish: fiestas, bullfights, flamenco, and im sure i´ll work in a siesta or two while im here to seal the deal. the last few days i spent in granada. it was a delight. there is an old fortress- castle- town- palace- garden- ish site there known as the alhambra. this building has some serious history, we´re talking twice as much as the country that most of us call home, and it is one complex. granada is a town with a number of influences: gypsy, moorish, jewish, christian, castillian, and tourists have all had their affects in shaping this age-old community. this paragraph is filled with too many lists: one on the feria de abril, one on the alhambra, another on the influences of granada. i appologize for: poor writing, repetitiveness, improper grammar, and being annoying.

okay.

i was really fourtunate to meet a few nice germans while i was there, christopher and sarah. last night we went out to eat some tapas and then played some cards in the hostal. they are coming to sevilla tomorrow, and i think we are going to try to meet up.

later that night i watched the last bit of the film apocalypto with this scottish bloke. that movie is intense, at least the part i saw was. at the end these three english girls came back from being out and we were all talking and the topic moved onto the subject of religion. i began writing some reflections today in my journal of that conversation, but something that gary (the scotsman) said had me thinking quite a lot last night while laying in bed. in reference to the world´s origins: "if a friend showed you a beautiful house up on a hill and you prosed, who built that there house? and your friend replied, oh that house has just always been there, you would think he was absolutely crazy. i laid in bed for a good hour thinking about this. i´ve heard the same argument in different words, but the way with the house i really like. hopefully i can write something deeper on this. this guy gary had a crazy life. he´s 46 years old, and has been involved with music all his life. he´s met any number of world renowned musicians but is totally relaxed and chill about life and what he does. nice guy that gary.

okay that´s all for now. just one more week and i´ll be back in the states!

los vascos

2008-03-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

crazy breakers bashing into a jetty during a storm in san sebastian:

i really loved the basque country. what a beautiful region, and great people to boot. i arrived on wednesday, and the weather was absolutely torrent off and on. it could give central oregon a run for its money in temporal weather conditions. one minute huge gusts of wind would sweep through the street, pelting me with rain as i wandered the city looking for a pension, and the next minute the wind would halt, the rain stop, and the sound of songbirds would begin to fill the air. on thursday the conditions were a bit better, but still pretty cloudy and wet. at one point during the day i hunkered under the facade of a building to wait out a little squall, and this older basque gentleman comes buy and starts speaking with me about the weather. then he asks if i want to take a drink with him, i obliged. we went to this cafe and had a coffee and talked about his family and the city and what not. then after the rain stopped we went for a little paseo (walk) around san sebastian. his name was javier, and he was a real nice bloke.

a funky statue thing by the sea in san sebastian:

friday was a pretty nice day, the tempurature was warmer, the sky more clear, and there was no rain, so i enjoyed the city a bit: went up to a castle on top of a mountain overlooking the city, walked barefoot on the beach, almost got swept out to sea while navagating some rocky crags, you know the usual. there was a group of americans studying in vallalodid that were staying at the hostal. we got to talking a bit and turns out they are all christians traveling during their spring break. there were 6 girls and one guy, matt. we talked quite a bit, and that night matt and i actually got to minister to the guy i was sharing a room with, aden. aden is a high school student in a school exchange program in zaragoza. it was really cool to talk about God in english for a change. it has been so long. i can actually somewhat express myself, as opposed to finding the spanish word i know, that can closest relate, in some round about way, to what i really want to say.

this building is some sort of theatre for film festivals and the like, san sebastian:

saturday morning i went with my new friends to bilbao to see the gugenheim museum. it is a really famous museum, although i actually enjoyed the building itself much more than the artwork inside. after a few hours in the museum, my vallalodid bound friends left to catch a bus home. i spent a few more hours enjoying bilbao before catching a bus myself to madrid.

TWO WEEKS UNTIL I LEAVE!!!! AHHHHH!!!!

correction

2008-03-31T03:46:00.001-07:00

in the last post i said i was going to "ihop (the prayer house, not the pancake house)." now the current plan, is to go to the prayer house...AND the pancake house. this decision came after a busride from san sebastian to bilbao and a lengthy dicussion i had with a guy about american food we missed. for me, one of the foremost being the pancake, in all it´s glory, slathered with peanut butter and soaking in syrup.

also, rik, i didn´t publically make fun of you, i said the person was to remain anonymous. and still, there is no possible way for spain and portland to be a couple days apart. they are 9 hours apart, which at the very most, can be one day. when it is morning here, it is the night before there. im closing the book on this subject, i´ve said my peace and counted to three.

maybe more on the basque country later today or tonight. xo.

a few random things

2008-03-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

firsties: ¡es mi cumple! (it´s my birthday!) Yay!

seconds: i have received a few messages talking about the time change. for example, someone to remain anonymous wrote speaking of my birthday, "i think you celebrate tomorrow, but we dont celebrate it here for a couple of days." so, in light of this confusion i will try to give a few clarifying words. it takes the earth 24 hours to make one revolution. the earth is divided into 24 "time zones" which are correlated to the coordinated universal time (or UTC -or- more commonly referred to as greenwhich mean time, GMT) gmt is the time that it is in london, england. each timezone then is described as gmt +/- #. for example, the time in spain is gmt+1, so when it is 10:00 gmt time (in london) it is 11:00 in spain (+1 hour). make sense? for the pacific time zone (where most of you live...please tell me you know what the pacific time zone is...) the time is gmt-8, so when it is 10:00 gmt, it is 2:00 in portland, or (minus 8 hours). to calculate the the difference in time between two places you need to simply compare the time zones as they relate to the gmt and do some simple math. spain_gmt+1 portland_gmt-8...oh to hell with it, it´s nine hours earlier in portland than in spain! well normally it is, except for the last two weeks, since they have an earlier daylight savings date in the states than in spain, it is currently only 8 hours difference, until this weekend, then back to the normal 9. that was ridiculous, moving on.

third: not actually, try reading the last paragraph in one breath! i´ll give a euro to anyone that can do it.

fourthen: i´m leaving tomorrow to go to bilbao and san sebastian. they are in the north of spain in the basque country. the basque country is famous for rain, the best tapas in spain, having a completely unique language unlike any other in spain, the eta, the town of guernica (wiki it if you dont know)...(by "wiki it" i mean you should look it up on wikipedia.org ...if you didn´t know), and surfing. it is a region that spands from northcentral spain into southwest france. to say the least, i´m a little bit excited. except for the the potential car bomb, that would put a hamper on the trip.

fiff: i have some plane tickets for when i get back to the states. before, i only had a ticket from madrid back to philadelphia. now, i have a ticket on the 14th of april from philly to kansas city. i´ve been wanting to spend some time at ihop (not the pancakke house, the prayer house) and what better time than when i have no job, no money, and have been outside of my comfort zone for 3 months. afterwards, i have a ticket from kc to portland on the 23 of april. i hope that appeases some of y´all´s quandry into my post spain plans.

six: it´s not my birthday anymore, buenas noches from spain, buenas tardes to you (eight, but normally nine hours, back)

furthermore

2008-03-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

i continued writing on the subject of dying in my journal during an easter mass this morning. i actually just wanted to check the church out, because it is pretty famous, but everytime i try to visit it´s closed. today was my lucky day, but as i sat down to start writing a bit the mass started, so i just kept writing on and off whilst i stood, did the cross thing with my hand, gave peace to those around me, and all those things you do in mass. anyway, if you haven´t yet read the blog from yesterday, it might be beneficial to read that one first, or maybe not, tough to say...

Lord, i cant pretend to understand Your sacrifice. i cant pretend to understand Your pain. i know i am far from You, but i want to be close--I want to be intimate--i certainly cant understand Your tolerance of my rebelion, Your gentle care for this rogue child.

i´ve searched for answers but am left wanting. wanting desire. wanting fulfillment. wanting Love. it´s there, but i cant fully take hold of it. i see it, but like a painting. i hear it, but like a poem. i feel it, but like a man. take me up. no, first destroy this earthly dwelling, that i can truly taste the heavenly, the real.

is this a service of my mouth or do i truly wish this? how can i justify my constant turning on You? how can You be set toward me, for me? can i yet rise? am i justified in Youe eyes? am i pleasant in Your gaze? You say i´ve ravaged Your heart with a glance from my eyes, but how can that be when through these eyes You see my inmost? Yet a slant of the eyes from You destroys me. it sets me shaking, shaking and weeping. its too real, too far above.

shaking and weeping. its not much, but maybe these tears can speak better than words. at least grant me this honor: to wipe the dust of Your feet with the water of my eyes. i wont rise past Your knees, i wont grab Your hands, i dare not look to Your face.

later, once this life has been poured out, maybe i will know Your sacrifice, Your pain. if this body can yet be broken, and this blood yet be shed, so be it. then i may know the grave, know the sorrows.

i´ll try to fix my eyes on You, the finish, the glory, the beginning. i´ll try to understand this death, to know this life.

losing

2008-03-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

last night we went to watch some procesions and then met up with a fellow i met in lisbon to go to a sangria bar. sangria, if you don´t know, is maybe one of the most amazing drinks invented on the face of the planet; it´s a mixture of red wine and and fruit juies (more or less). as they say here in spain, "it´s typical espanish." the bar was really great, with live piano music and everything. ANYwho...there were a number of quotes on the walls, and one imparticular stuck out to me: noy hay paraiso hasta que se lo ha perdido. which means, if i translate it correctly, there is no paradise until one has lost it. or in other words, he who tries to gain his life will lose it; but he who looses his life for Me will gain it.

i want to learn what that means more practically. i do desire paradise. everyone desires it in one way or another. to some paradise is a mansion with a three car garage; to others it is having a clean earth where no animals are ever harmed and we only eat raw vegetables. i think the longing beneath most of our ideals of paradise is peace. when i was talking with mona and navid (the baha´i followers i met in lisbon) they said that every religion strives to bring peace between the spirits of humankind and our maker. i agreed, to an extent. the difference i have to make is that i know that i can´t do anything at all to make steps toward that peace. i recognize the barrier that is between me and my maker, and i know that my efforts to overcome it are entirely fruitless. so i´m left to ponder. what can i do?

i have thought a lot since studying at multnomah about whether man is intrinsically good or bad. of course i want to believe that man is good, at his core. but my experience, and my theology have come to know quite firmly that it is the converse. i need not travel outside my own skin to realize the horror of the mind and actions of man. furthermore, to say man is good, makes it possible for him to take steps toward that paradise, towards life. but the Flesh Himself said that he who tries to gain his life will lose it.

but he who loses his life for me...

i dont know how it is done exactly, but i want the life the He promises me.

that´s my paradise.

mouth of the inferno!!!!!!

2008-03-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

this picture is from a little town outside of lisbon called caixcas (pronounced kinda like cash-cash) there are trains that go from lisbon out to caixcas ever twenty minutes or so, and after a quick 40 minute ride you feel like you´re in a whole new world. it´s a small town, but has a lot of lovely buildings and a fantastic coastline. there were a bunch of boats anchored in the bay by the docks, and for the life of me i couldn´t figure out how these people boarded their boats without simming out to them--mystery of the ages my friends, mystery of the ages. i walked out of town down the coast a bit to a place called "BOCA DI INFERNO!!! MWAH HA Ha Ha ha heee.....yeah." not that is wasn´t a nice site or anything, but i suppose i had slightly higher expectations with a name like that. by the time i walked back to town the sun was starting to set, and that was the night that i wrote about the sunset. i have a picture, but it is such a terrible depiction of what it truly looked like that i´m not going to bother sharing it.

short and sweet. happy holy thursday.

yeh.

2008-03-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

so i think i am just going to start randomly posting pictures every couple days or so and telling stories behind them. nothing incredible, but at least something you can see and i can look back fondly upon. :)

so to set this story david and i are in prague. we´re both pretty exhausted from traveling one place to the next, and the spaniard has started becoming a little testy. we were walking down the river, and what lay before our eyes but a lovely island. there was a bridge that crossed over at that point, so i coerce my traveling companion to go out to the island. upon setting foot to the island we quickly spied out a nice little park bench to sit and take in the view from. and in true-blue spanish fashion, david realized the opportunity for a quick siesta was knocking at his door...he answered the call, and easily managed to fall asleep as seen here:

(maybe one of the greatest benefit of being spanish is a keen ability to take a nap, anywhere, any time. what i would give to master this ability)

i, then took the first chance in about a week to have some time alone. whoa was it neccesary. i just meandered around the island park and enjoyed the life, the smell, the sun, the beauty. it was so refreshing. it was a beautiful day, and i really couldn´t have asked for anything more. i walked about the island for half an hour or so and went back to david at his bench. from there we carried on. i took this picture from one end of the island. it is of the old town at charles bridge. what a nice day!

tomorrow, david, lidia and i are going to go to salamanca for a day. it is supposed to have some famous semana santa celebrations. by-the-way, in spain, semana santa is kinda a big deal. the week between palm sunday and resurrection sunday everyone has the week off from school, and most jobs. most people do some traveling with their family or friends. in the cities, there are these things called processions. a number of people from the church are dressed in robes, and they carry these massive parade like floats through the cities. i will write more about it later, when i actually know more... hehe.

today is elijah´s birthday :( i really wish i could be there :( :( :( i may try to all anyway, but when i called justin for his birthday, the telephone company rolled me. holy man! i just called the number that was posted on all of the telephones in venice, and i knew that it wasn´t going to be cheap, but i seriously was charged more than $5 per minute. making my 10-15 minute call come to a total of $68. when i saw that on my bank account i culd hardly believe it. today i will look for an international calling card. so i dont get robbed again.

yesterday we went to palm sunday mass. there were some gypsies in the front selling little bundles of olive branches. i know it sounds harsh when i just say some gypsies, but seriously, they were gypsies, for real. well david and i were waiting for lidia to get there, and two young girls came up to us and started trying to sell us the branches. both of us politely said no thank you. but they would not stop. they kept at us, and were relentless, "oh come on, it´s palm sunday...we´ve been here for hours...you have to buy one." as though it isn´t annoying enough to be hasseled by a sales person, the fact that we were literally two steps outside the door of the church made me so frustrated. i don´t contest too much here in spain, because i really can´t express myself very well in spanish, and if i just start talking in english then i´ve accomplished nothing. but i really couldn´t take it anymore so i said to one of them, "este no es un mercado, es una iglesia!" meaning: this is not a market, this is a church!

i dont care that they are selling olive branches that they probably took from a local park. i don´t care that much that they are probably living here in spain illegally. i don´t care that much that they are persistent in making a sell, and don´t take no for an answer. but i do care, with an incredible amount of respect, that they are using the church soley for a means of their own gain. that they are preying upon religion and religious tradition to make money. palm sunday marks the triumphal entry of Jesus into jerusalem, and upon entering the city, the first thing he did was drive out the merchants using the temple for their gain. My house will be a house of prayer; but you have turned it into a den of robbers. oh God wash our hands and keep us from greed. let us not use You for our gain. purify Your church, and drive out those who abuse her for money.

i think i am done, time for comida. much love!

this one´s for ricky

2008-03-11T03:29:00.000-07:00

for tarface, for barfhead, for the dip in the road, for ricky rae rae, for erika.

three days in a row!!! woohoo! that´s all.

well not really, maybe some of those siblings of mine, whom have children (i think you know who you are, i dont want to have to name names) should eamil a picture of two of mis sobrinos. i would like that very much. :)

santiago

2008-03-10T03:41:00.000-07:00

yesterday i arrived to santiago. i was going to get that ride from humberto, the guy in the coffee shop, but i messed up. it was sunday, so i didn´t really think about the fact that there would be lighter bus service than other days, because believe it or not, some cultures actually slow down on the weekends, and recognize a day of relaxation...away from work -- so there i was waiting for about 20 minutes at the bus stop, starting to freak out a bit because i was really cutting it close for my meeting time. then, to my joy, a bus comes around the corner. i wait for all the elderly, and ladies to get on, then i step in and find a spot where my bags wont be in the way too much. the bus is already going. i would never claim to know the city of porto, but i knew that we were headed generally in the right direction. but after a number of stops, i was thinking to myself, "at some point this bus is going to need to turn off its current course and start making for the city center." finally, and much too late, i looked at one of the bus stops we came to checking which bus numbers stop there, and mine wasn´t posted at that stop...yeah, i was on the wrong bus.

at this point i got off the bus, went to the nearby park, with a killer lion-topped monument, and ate a bocadillo (sandwich). then i made my way to the bus station, and waited to take the ridiculously long bus to get here, in santiago.

i really like this city. it is raining today, and i really need to do my laundry, so it almost feels like portland, almost like home. however...i am alone, and my family and friends aren´t here, so not too much like home actually.

much love to everyone.

ps. can someone give me grandma lola´s address, i think she would really appreciate a card or something. and if anyone else really wants a card, you should just tell me, i will send one.

mmmkay

2008-03-08T06:36:00.000-08:00

so i am in porto right now. it´s in the north of portugal. i spent a few days in lisbon, and part of me wanted to stay another day, certainly there were more things to do there, but something else in me really felt like moving on. i have to be to santiago de compostela by tuesday (it´s in northwest spain). i have a flight from there to barcelona. and then i will stay in barcelona until next saturday or sunday before i jump on a bus back to madrid. then i can be in madrid during semana santa with david (since he has the week off from classes).

today i have been especially uninspired. i fell asleep, still fully clothed, at about 9 last night, and this morning, after breakfast and showering and all, i laid back down and fell asleep for another hour. i dont know what´s going on, but i feel spent. so i walked into town, and i was sitting on a park bench on the main strip, trying to motivate myself to go somewhere. i decided to stop into a little cafe and grab a coffee, and then i thought i better try and reserve a hostal in santiago, because i didn´t have one for porto and i ended up having to stay in a place way outside the center. so here i am, paying to use the internet in this cafe, and then this guy comes in and starts using the computer next to me. and he is asking me something, and so i say, "no, no faro portuguese." and he replies, "do you speak english?" so then we talk for a second, and come to find out he lives in northwestern spain, and he is driving home tomorrow. he offered me a ride, i dont know if i will take it or not, but i can meet him here at the coffee shop at 12:30 tomorrow if i want to.

anyway, that´s kinda what is going on presently. i feel quite exhuasted, and im not really sure why exactly. the other night in lisbon i wrote something in my journal that i would like to share:

...as i watch the beauty of Your creation tonight, the glory of light and seascapes, i cannot help but desire You, maker of all things great and small, more. the west is exploding in rays of pink and yellow over the masses of ships resting in the harbor. but my eyes have turned to the east, where the deeply red painted horizon is covering the houses as their lights begin to dot the shoreline.

my hands--cold, my feet--hurting and filthy, and the nearby construction site--clanging with drilling and machinery are all begging for my attention. but to see the scarlet of the sky wonderfully reflected off the water of the bay steals it back. You are jealous of my love, my eyes, my heart, and you have them oh Lord.

it takes waters so fresh, and waters so still to cast such a captivating reflection. so i petition that You would purify my heart and calm my mind that i may too echo such beauty...breath...

create in me a clean heart oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me. oh how i desire to reflect the crimson heavens like the tranquil sea below...

the sun has set, night has come, i must move on

later that night i met these two people in the hostel that were baha´i. it is a middle eastern based religion that pretty much attempts to merge all religions and beliefs into one. the 411 is that the source of all religions is God, and all the prophets were speaking the truth of God, within their own time. we talked quite a bit, their names were mona and navid. a lot of what they said was actually right on, but a lie that is close to the truth, is stil a lie, and often even more deceiving. i asked mona how Jesus can be right in proclaiming that He is the very Son of God, the Way, the Truth, the Light--yet at the same time any other prophet or teaching that doesn´t affirm those things be truth. both of them said that they believed all of what Christ speaks about Himself, that they believed He came as the Son of God and gave His life for sinners. i dont understand why there is any need for anything beyond that. i asked if the founder of baha´i, bahá'u'lláh, claimed to be God. and they said no. they said that all of the prophets: abraham, moses, buddha, Jesus, muhammad, and bahá'u'lláh all came to reflect, like a mirror, the true intentions of God to mankind. then i asked if you affirm that Jesus is God, then why would you want a reflection. It´s like settling for for a audio track through a set of headphones when the live band is playing the music right outside your door (i didn´t say that, i´m not that quick on the draw). anyway, it wasn´t really going anywhere, there was hardly a disagreement because everything i believe they said they believe (more or less). they said there is a vibrant baha´i community in portland, so for those of you in portland don´t be alarmed if you begin to hear more and more from them. i have many more thoughts on the discussion, but i think i have written long enough. thanks for stopping by.

no more pictures

2008-03-03T10:57:00.001-08:00

just for now. for whatever reason, on david´s computer, i am unable to load pictures to the site. so if i want to do it, i have to go to reme´s house (david´s mom). but i just bought a ticket for the night train to lisbon, portugal, and i leave in 3 hours, so i probably wont be able to post any pictures for a while.

for this trip i really dont have any plan. i dont even have a hostal reservation in lisbon yet. most likely i will head north from lisbon to porto, then on up to northern spain. there are a few cities that i would really like to see, so i will just go with the flow and do what i can--while i can.

buenas noches,
antonio

mustachio bashio

2008-03-02T05:25:00.000-08:00

so i still haven´t retrieved the pictures from pedro and alberto, so today i thought i would give you all a lesson in facial hair management. i have been going to the university during the day to spend time with lidia and eduardo and practice my spanish, and then we usually meet up with david somewhere to take comida. a few days back the weather here in madrid was glorious. probably a good 70 degrees outside, sunny...perfect. i realized at that point that the function of my beard, which was all but necessary to prevent frostbite of the cheeks in northern europe, has become a near hindrance in sunny, warm southern europe. the hair obviously doesn´t allow for proper facial ventilation, thus handicapping the body´s natural response to an increase in body heat by sending blood to the outer extremities (cheeks being one of these). so the next day i took to the rat nest residing on my face with some clippers and tried out a few new looks.

when i started i had this kind of fidel castro, reckless communist look going on. the first stop on the facial hair design train is a mixture of a look i have sported before and a new element. i like to call it the "soul king" it is a blend of a standard imperial stache with the added soul patch. this style is popular among members of hell´s angels and anyone who wants to spend their days getting odd stares and having children rushed away from them by their mothers to the other side of the street.

this style i like to call the "cage fighter" (notice the fist pump). it is a close variation of the soul king, but with a cleaner look on the jaw. this helps slip some of the quick jabs and round-house kicks to the face when in the ring. obvioulsy by its name you can deduce that it is a popluar style amongst cage fighters, but it also a common fashion to those deemed as rednecks.

a standard "musketeer." the musketeer is recognizable by an upturned mustache accompanied with a soul patch. this is a classic stache style that has origens from the early middle ages. there´s not much to be said about this look, but if you see a really good one someday out there on the streets or in a magazine, it will probably shortly take your breath away.

"70´s" what else do you need to know. the 70´s ushered in a period of mustache tolerance that probably won´t ever be reached in my lifetime. it was the deal to have an upper lip warmer in that decade, it´s just what you did. this style is often accomanied by bountiful sideburns, know as chops, which really only add to the disco flavor. staying alive! (the 70´s stache is essentialy the same style as your average mexi-stache, unfortuanately, i lack the melatonin and origen to call mine a mexi stache)

this is a "styled stache." pretty much what you do is take a standard 70´s mustache and clean it up. you should frame the upper lip with the bottom of the stache, and pull down the top of the stache form a slim lip belt. this style is seen less frequently probably because of the constant upkeep, but when done well, it is a lovely site. it is a common style with circus ringleaders (if they dont go with the conventional handlebar mustache) and hosts in really fancy restaurants.

i really dont think i need to name this stache. we all know who wore this style and made it neigh impossible for your avrage joe to wear it in this day of political correctness. the point of this stache is merely to show that you have the ability to grow a stache. it serves no real function beyond that, and it only proves as a hinderance in nasal hygiene. this style is popular amongst power hungry dictators who don´t have the balls to face their just recompense, and amongst silent movie stars (i know, it is almost humorously ironic how different those two are)

"clean" -ish "shaven" it really does feel nice to let the wind touch the face once again, and to actually know whats going on with the skin on my face. i suppose at this point i will probably slowly let the beast grow again until i have another vision-like experience prompting me to hack her down.

thanks fo playing.

catching up a bit

2008-02-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

so im back in madrid, i had a really incredible time in each of the places we went, and saw so many beautiful buildings, art, museums, churches, synagogues, rivers, castles, and such. all of those things that you really want to see when you´re in a place that has such. i am going to spend the next couple of days uploading some photos and talking a bit about the cities and the highlights from each.

the problem with the photos is two-fold: one, i am no photographer, not at all, and i pretty much screwed every picture from venice and ljubjana (though i did manage to capture some nice ones in prague). im not going to try and kid myself about this one, when it comes to taking pictures... i SUCK! secondly, spaniards really, really, really like to take photos. so when i was in budapest and vienna, i didn´t hardly take any pictures because litrally, between the three spaniards i was with, there was a photo shoot every fifteen steps. alberto and i alone probably have a good 8 or 9 poses from the 5 days we spent together. he really liked to take pictures of the group even in the most random places; we would be walking down the street, and he would pull out his camera and hand it to pedro, put his arm around me and say, "foto foto...pictura." it was pretty hilarious at first. then it just got annoying. just to give you a taste, i have, on my ipod, 648 photos from david of the 9 days he traveled with me. i haven´t yet collected all the pictures from pedro and alberto, but i am going to post some from venice, ljubjana, and budapest now.

this is the sunset that i wrote about the other day in venice, so beautiful.

the only problem is all the scaffolding on the basilica and the fact that there is a gigantic sunspot in the middle of the picture. but pictures never capture actual feeling of being there.

here is one of the few pictures from ljubjana that wasn´t completely jacked. it´s in the old town at the bottom of castle hill. it was such a great city. i really enjoyed the diversity in art that i saw there. there was a great graphic art display in the castle, it was so refreshing to see something different, and really creative too.

here is the neighborhood around the hostel, it looks really bad, but mostly, it´s just rowdy. at night the entire neighborhood is full of kids drinking

and carrying on, and randomly breaking out in chorus. one night i met this guy from ljubjana at the hostel--the hostel used to be a prison during slovenia´s communist years (about 20 years ago)--it has been totally revamped, and the bottom floor is now a restaurant and bar. so one night i met this guy, anze. he came to grab a few beers in the hostel before heading to a show in a nearby club. he is a photographer, but he studies graphic design at ljubjana university because graphic design was the closest thing they offered to photography. so i had a good long conversation with him about the neighborhood and the city. he said the neighborhood (pretty much all the old prison compound) used to be a common ground for drug dealers and junkies after the fall of communism. so a few years back, in order to clean up the neighborhood, the city encouraged dance clubs and music venues to move in. they didn´t white wash the walls, they didn´t send police raid after police raid, they just transformed how the neighborhood was being used. although there is a ridiculous amont of drinking going on there, at least it has helped to curb much of the drug activity. i thought that was pretty interesting. anze photography site is http://users.volja.net/godec4 if you are at all interested you should check it out for a few minutes (especially the nature shots).

this is a picture from on top of gellerts hill in budapest. it offers such an incredible view of the city. i know this picture is isn´t incredible or anything, but the moment was one of my favorites of the entire trip. we stayed up there until it was dark, and you could see all the bridges lit up, and the castle and river decorated with lights like christmas trees. it was so beautiful.

i´ll end with a classic alberto picture moment. notice the classy green construction netting in the backgound. also, you should take note that there is no monument, famous building, or piece of art that would normally encite such a need for a photo. but what really sets off the photo is the change sign framing david´s head. breathtaking, simply breathtaking.

that is all for now, i am really tired of writing and waiting for the computer to load pictures. much love, i´ll continue this tomorrow.

in prague

2008-02-24T01:25:00.000-08:00

i haven't written or responded to emails for nearly a week, sorry. we didn't have internet at the last hostal in vienna, and here in prague there is only one computer for all 40 or so people that are staying here, so i cant write much. i just thought i should give a little update to let you know i am okay. prague is fantastic, vienna was absolutely beautiful, almost too much. i will write later when i get a chance.

cheers

venice

2008-02-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

im waiting for david in budapest, i hope he's not lost because it is completely freezing out there. while im waiting i will try and catch up a little bit on what's been happening.

venice...best know for: lovers, venetian art, san marcos cathedral, the grande canal, carnival masks, the bridge of sighs, crystal, pidgeons, pizza, gelato, gondolas...yeah you get it. here are my favorite things about venice: no cars, the reflections off the water, the lady at the journal store, the jewish ghetto and museum, and piazza san marcos...it really is breathtaking (especially looking down the front of it, past palazzo ducale, across san marco canal, toward the cathderal of san siorgio maggiore)

the hostel i stayed in was completely empty, seriously, empty...but it was nice to have a quiet room and a clean bathroom to use. i was lucky enough to meet two sisters from canada who have been studying in tel aviv, israel. i met them at the jewish ghetto museum. they are jewish, and i think, that they thought, i was jewish (probably because of the glorious kosher beard i've got going on right now). anyway, we tooled around the museum making small talk about studies and what not, then i bid them farewell and set out to see a little bit more of the city.

that night, at about sunset i went out to the docks on the south side of the island and saw what apeared to be the makings of a glorious sunset, so i turned to make my way down the island to get a better view away from the crowds of piazza san marcos. and as i started up the first bridge i almost ran into the sisters from the museum, leah and esther. they didn't have any particular plans, nor did i, so we walked along for a while and had a good conversation about christianity and judaism. they said it was like a lesson, they had a lot of questions about catholics, christians, protestants, and how it all came about. and i got to ask them about a few questions i had. they practice orthodox judaism. it was very informative, and the biggest thing i learned was that the typical evangelical understanding (mine included) of modern day judaism is awefully inadequate. i told them that the church i attend in portland makes an effort to pray for israel and its people. they said that it was really refreshing to hear that, so i encourage any of you who read this to pray for israel, and if you don't know what to pray for, then just pray that (at least it's honest) and ask that God would work in that nation and that people.

that is all for now, i will write about ljubljana later, and about rok volk, the king of all things saxophone.

ps. i also got to talk to jj and cara (cara just a little bit) on justin's birthday, and it was really great, but i miss them, and i could hear sahara in the background...oh i miss them.

i just saw...

2008-02-15T12:19:00.000-08:00

...the most ridiculous display of saxophone skills ever. it was amazing! i dont even like the saxophone very much; it usually just makes me want to haymaker kenny g to the back of the head. but tonight, OOOOOHHH tonight...so many things have changed. i will write more about my experience sometime later, but for today, let me just say that ljubljana is an oasis from the renaissance desert ive been walking through. i had an awesome day, wish i could stay here longer, but i have to meet david in budapest tomorrow, and there is only one train to get me there...and it leaves at 730 am, lame.

xo from slovenia

leaving madrid

2008-02-12T00:20:00.000-08:00

okay, today i am finally going to get out of madrid. i am mad at myself for not having left already to go somewhere in spain, or something, but let´s not dwell on the past everyone....JUST LET IT GO WOULD YOU!!!

i have been spending way too much time trying to get this trip organized. david finishes his exams this week, so this weekend he and two of his closest friends are going to meet me in budapest, hungary. it has been such a pain in the ass to try and plan this because pedro and alberto (david´s friends) didn´t even buy plane tickets until about five days ago. so we weren´t really sure if they were going to come at all, making it neigh impossible to line up hostel reservations, or any kind of plan as far as traveling goes. i really would rather go alone, or just with david, because with four people on three different schedules meant we had to have a pretty good idea of the how the whole trip was going to look before we left, well actually before i left....in about an hour from now. if i was alone, it would have been really easy to just go with the flow, and change plans if i wanted, but trying to reserve a hostel for four guys in the same room is much more difficult than for one dude rockin´it solo. also, i would rather spend more time in the cities than just a few days, but since david and his compadres cant really miss more than a week of school, and they wanted to hit the different cities, im kinda stuck. none-the-less in about five hours i should be arriving in venice, italy...the city of love...alone

travel itinerary (just so you know where to start looking if i disappear):

-12-14 venice, italy
-14-16 ljubljana, slovenia
-16-19 budapest, hungary (i will meet david on the 16th here, and pedro and alberto the 17th)
-19-23 vienna, austria (pedro and alberto will return to spain from vienna; david and i will go on to prague)
-23-26 prague, czech republic

on another note, today is my brother justin´s birthday (and abraham lincoln´s too) so i would like to wish a happy birthday to him, and maybe i can try to call him sometime later today, maybe. in writing this i feel like a moron because last week was my other brother justin´s birthday (that´s right there´s two of them), so if you happen to read this jp, happy late birthday, if you accept those... if not, then happy early birthday for next year. yesterday was david´s birthday, it was the third birthday of family members, or family-like members, since i´ve been here. and it was the first that actually seemed like it was celebrated to some extent. spain is different (said with a slight shake of the head...go on, try it).

i miss my family so much. i really miss my nieces and nephew and little bro, they are such a joy to me...i miss them...a lot :( much love to you all.

okay, i don´t know for sure if i will get to write while i am gone for the next few weeks, but if i don´t respond to you emails for a few days don´t panic, just stop, relax, breathe easy, and wait a a couple more days. most of the hostels we are staying at have free internet, so it really shouldn´t be an issue.

that is all, thank you.

a quicky...or quickie...

2008-02-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

¿i don´t know which it is?

this really has nothing to do with any of my own creative genious, or ability to write, or lack there of. but i have listened to this song by the band anathallo any number of times, it´s beautiful...musically. but the other day i looked up the translation to the words (it´s sung in japanese) AND--- wow! really beautiful plus--PLUS. it´s beautiful and stirring. almost davidic-psalmish-like in nature.

here are the lyrics:
kasa no hone
karakasa no hone wa
bara bara
kamya yaburete mo
take ni sotaru
en ja mo
mis're nasaru na
nambo watashi ga
yaburete mo
us'te shon shon

translation of japanese:
the umbrella´s bones
the ribs of the umbrella
have fallen apart;
the paper is also torn,
but with bamboo
tied together.
do not throw it away.
though i also am torn,
don't desert me.

you can listen to the song on anathallo´s myspace page. www.myspace.com/anathallo

enjoy.

i got good news...

2008-02-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

and i have bad news.

which would you like first, huh? it´s a tough call because you can take the bad news first, and then end on a good note. or you could take the good news first, and hope that the excitement and joy that comes by hearing the good news is enough to not worry about the repercussions of the bad.

since i actually didn´t really have any good news, im just going to tell you what happened.

today...

at approxiamately 12:00 pm (spain time)...

my computer...

CRASHED...

DIED...

WILL NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM...

...bummer...

but here are some good things about life to help cheer things up:
-david has a computer here in the house that i can use
-i am leaving february 12 to do some traveling
-i got to play some footy today with a team of david´s friends, we got crushed, but it was fun
-i scored a goal (it was an own goal)
-my beard is getting thick
-i have found a really good friend or two here in madrid (argentinians are awesome)
-i bought a jacket yesterday to replace the one i left on the plane, so now i dont have to freeze all the time
-i have food and shelter and clothes and shoes
-i have my guitar :) and i have books :) :)
-i don´t feel so lost in madrid anymore
-Jesus loves me
-im learning...

some spare time

2008-01-31T01:43:00.001-08:00

today i have a bit of spare time on my hands, actually pretty much everyday i have spare time on my hands. david starts his exams next week, and in spain the exams determine everything with your schooling, so he has been studying 10 hours everyday...pretty intense. somedays i go and meet him at the school and do some reading or writing in the library while he and lidia are studying.

this weekend i went to the real madrid game, and whoa! it was an incredible game. real madrid are to european soccer like the yankees are to american baseball. except, that the former encompases 20+ countries across europe, and the latter is more like 1 country, maybe two. and the former is a sport that is essentially a way of life in europe, while the latter competes in popularity with the nfl and the nba. what im saying is that real madrid is kinda a big deal, people (outside of the usa) know about them, so to get to go to a game may be a once in a lifetime opportunity. and i was lucky enough for the game to be a great one. the stadium holds some 85,000 fans, and it was pretty much a packed house as they took on the number 3 team in league. the streets were completely full of people as we walked to the stadium blocking traffic hundreds of meters away from the stadium. it really was a good time, and the best part was that it was free because david's dad, emilio has season tickets.

monday i pretty much walked the entire day, all the way across town. i really enjoyed the walk and it gives a good perspective for the city. my intention was to walk to the prado (one of the most famous art collections in the world) but when i got there i found out that it isn't open on mondays; on the bright side, i also found out that you can go for free any other night from 6-8.

tuesday was the best day i've had since being here. david's mom, rema, invited me over for comida. in spain the main meal of the day is at 2 or 3pm... there isn't a name for it except comida (spanish for "food"). if someone asks you: quieres comer (literally translated: "do you want to eat") they are actually asking you if you want to have lunch together and spend an hour or more eating, chatting, drinking wine, and so on. beings that i really don't have anything better to do during the day i obliged. there are some girls about my age from argentina that have been staying at rema's house. they have been living here since late december, working in madrid, and they have some plans to travel next month around europe. anyway after comida one of the girls, jasmin, had to go to work, but the other, flor (pronounced: floor) said she had the day off, so she was going to meet a friend down town and asked if i wanted to go. flor was incredibly interested that i studied the Bible and theology in college. she had never heard of such a thing except for someone who wants to become a priest or something. for some reason i felt really comfortable around her. you know how when you first meet someone there is always that period of testing the waters. you think of the polite things to say, and make an effort not to offend them by what you believe. you ask all the right questions about where they are from, and what they do for a job, and blah, and blah, and... so it was as though we just skipped over all of that; like we had been friends for a while, but we had never talked about deep issues, so today those issues came up, they came up over and over. i know this kind of thing has happened to me before with a few people, but it always such a pleasant surprise each time it does.

i couldn't possibly recall all of our conversations, but the gist of the conversations was her trying understand what i believe. one of the first things we talked about was how i can truly feel the love of God. she said she had never felt that before, that she was a christian, and she says the catholic prayers, but she had never really, truly, tangibly felt that love. i said that if i had never felt that love, i probably wouldn't believe in Jesus at all. we talked about catholics and protestants, about the Bible, about God, Jesus, love, dreams, philosophy, humility. i told her how i am entirely reliant upon Jesus, she didn't like that idea. she preferred to think that we need to do good things to attain to heaven (pretty catholic), that God is love, and by doing good things, acts of love, we can get peace, and be at one with our spirits and with God. i just told her that i know for certain that i can do no good thing without Him... i'm dependent, im humbled before Him.

we met her friend and walked down the road a bit to a place to have some coffee and donuts while we talked. afterward we headed to the prado (that is the art museum i mentioned earlier). we wandered around the massive museum for a while and ended up in a hallway with paintings of biblical scenes. we took a seat in front of a painting by jose de ribera of isaac blessing jacob. the girls asked what was going on in the picture. so i told them the story of jacob buying the blessing from esau for a bowl of stew, and how in the picture jacob tricked his father into giving him the blessing by putting the goat hide on his arm. flor asked me what happened to jacob? and i told her that he was the father of the 12 tribes, that he received the whole blessing and inheritance from isaac, and from God. she was shocked because in her mind jacob should have been punished for being deceitful and tricking his brother. everytime i told a story she would ask what the lesson is from that story. i told not every story has to have a lesson, but she insisted that if the story is in the bible then it must have a lesson. so i said the lesson is that we shouldn't consider the immediate as of more importance than future (i stole that from the book of hebrews). that esau was foolish to sell his blessing only to fill his stomach for one meal. as i thought about it more the next day the lesson is even more clear. jacob understood the importance of the blessing, it was the inheritance, and it was a great inheritance because it involved more than just land and sheep and cattle. it was the inheritance of the promise of the Lord made to his grandfather abraham. it was everything. and i think jacob understood this, and he traded, deceived, and even physically wrestled for that blessing. i want to understand my inheritance better, i want to desire the blessing like the man called israel desired it.

later, after going back to rema's house, flor said she had never known anyone her age with such strong beliefs. i said there weren't many things that i believed really strongly in. so she rephrased it to say she hadn't known someone who religion was so important, and i told her that religion wasn't important to me at all... that Jesus was important to me, above all things...most important. she thinks Jesus founded the religion, i said man founded it in order to try and understand Jesus, in order to try and capture Jesus and know how to encounter Him within their own mold. we sat down in the living room. she asked what i thought of her god, her god is love and all that is love is god, and god is all that is love. i said he sounded appealing, but i wasn't interested. that i think God certainly is love, but not just love. i told her about jericho, and how God told the israelites to destroy everything in the city: man, woman, child, animal, gold... everything. she was disgusted. she said that she didn't think she believed in my God if that really happened, because her god is only love. i wasn't really surprised that she didn't take to it. i asked if she had ever read revelations, because that would probably give her a shock about the picture she has of Jesus. Jesus certainly was love. but to only say that, is to deny that He is also fully truth, fully just, fully righteous, and fully powerful. in fact the utmost of any quality must be found in God or it cannot be real. that's heavy for me to understand.

we were blunt, we were honest, and i really enjoyed feeling okay to be that way with her. in the end she said that she didn't think she was christian after all. she said that maybe she would start her own religion. with a grin and a chuckle i wished her best of luck.

picturas

2008-01-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

do you all know about would you rather jokes? what happens is someone crafts two completely impossible and absurd scenarios and asks another which of the two positions he or she would rather be in. anyway, during one of my journeys through an airport i thought of a pretty good one... would you rather: repeatedly get kicked in the groin for five minutes, OR stand in a line 200 meters long for airline security, only to get to the end and be "randomly" chosen as the guy that has to be stripped searched and unpack all his bags...AND, wait for it, wait for it...get a probe. EH??? the probe throws you off huh? at first you're thinking, i'll take the strip search no problem, but with the probe in the picture that five minute pummeling of the groin isn't sounding so bad.

today i spent the morning downtown just wandering around, it is really an incredibly beautiful city. david and some amigos met me there for lunch, so we ate some bocadillos de calamari (calamari sandwiches) and then we walked around these gardens on the side of the royal palace. tonight i went to meet this guy for a prayer service at a church in one of the suburbs of madrid. it was pretty fun. i liked it because it reminded me of the services in tijuana, i truly loved those services. they're like a mix between 3 parts chaos and 2 parts rock concert with a c- band. i love it. and, with the music, the bass pretty much always plays a polka beat, and with a polka beat, how can you go wrong, i think Jesus may have even said that somewhere. it took me quite a while to get back to the house because i walked from the bus station (like 30 minutes) instead of taking the metro, so david was all freaked out wondering where i was and calling people (as though somehow they could possibly know), but everything is fine.

okay, let's look at some pictures: philadelphia.

matt standing at gay street: it was surprisingly easy to talk matt into posing for this picture

provolone-wit: that's a steak sandwich with
provolone and onions

downtown philly: this is from the steps of the art museum, probably better known as the rocky steps. in the center all the way in the back is town hall. on top is a statue of william penn, he's famous for getting the state of pennsylvania named after him (what a boy!). there was a city ordinance that no building could be higher ol' bill, but in 1984 it was broken, and since then no philadelphia university or professional sports team has won a national championship since. way to stick it to the man billy

valley forge:
it was so beautiful,
and of course the camera
doesn't do justice to it.

y madrid.

la plaza mayor: the major plaza, probably my favorite place so far in madrid. the old people sit on the benches under the sun, while musicians fill each corner of the square with music. in the shade the painters work masterpieces just down the south wall from the tourists enjoying some tapas and wine.

unas pinturas en la paza mayor:

unos amigos al lado del palacio real:
this is a picture from some of the gardens next to the

royal palace. in the picture is me, eduardo, lidia (david's girlfriend), and david.

una gitana loca:
this is some crazy lady that was in the plaza in
front of the palace. when i put a coin in her cup she
start moving al of the sudden and i thought she was
going to attack me, needless to say, i shortly there
after i changed my shorts

i think that is plenty for now, i hope you enjoyed
-caleb

hello madrid

2008-01-23T01:59:00.000-08:00

i arrived in spain yesterday morning, david met me at the airport and took me to the casa to unload my things.

but before i get into madrid, maybe a few words on philadelphia should be said. if i could describe philadelphia in 3 ways i would say: cheese steak, cold, and...cold. i completely froze my butt off the entire time. one time i checked the temperature and it was 3 degrees with the windchill. matt picked me up from the airport friday afternoon and we made our way back to his house for the evening. he lives in north philly, like 15 minutes from downtown. saturday we walked all around the city taking in some of the sights, pretty nice. we had some cheesesteak sandwiches (provolone-wit), saw independence hall, the original senate building, the liberty bell, etc. honestly, i was entirely unimpressed with the liberty bell. it doesn't even look real. and, because of the massive crack down it's side, there's no way, in my mind, of even verifying that it is a real bell because it doesn't ring. pretty much it's just a couple thousand pounds of copper and tin that is supposedly a representation of freedom and liberty. there was a quote at the museum that nearly made me laugh out loud, "let the bell be cast by the finest workmen and examined carefully before it is shipped..." -isaac norris. i thought maybe the quote should read, "let the bell be cast by the finest workmen and examined carefully...but i'd also like you guys to keep in mind that, you know, we are on a budget, so don't get crazy on us here okay."

saturday night there was a party at matt's house, i felt completely out of place. i actually left the party at midnight and braved walking around the freezing weather for about two hours. i thought by 2 the party should be broken up, and once everyone finally gets out, i could get some sleep on the couch, barring that no one puked all over it. upon returning to the house i realized that the crowd had not gotten smaller, it had actually doubled in size meaning that there were about 100 people crammed into this little house. CRAZY! so i made my way to the back yard and stoked the fire that was burning and enjoyed the small crowd out there until the party finally broke up at about 4 am. the whole weekend i wanted to get away and be alone for a bit, but it is a really hard thing to do when you are visiting a friend and largely at his mercy. maybe a bit more about being alone at some later time.

sunday we went to valley forge, it was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. if you don't know, valley forge is where george washington took the american troops after fleeing philadelphia in 1777 to camp for the winter. it is considered the big turning point of the american revolutionary war. i just enjoyed it so much because the place was gorgeous, and there was an incredible sunset making the whole thing that much better. i will try and post some pictures of the philly weekend later--i thought i had the right cable to unload pictures from my camera...turns out i don't, so i am going to see what i can do about that.

sunday night i talked to my folks, and it was really great to be encouraged and prayed for over the phone. my mom suggested that i call us airways to make sure that it wasn't a problem that i was missing the new york to philadelphia leg on my flight to madrid. what happened was i bought a ticket in and out of new york, but the flight goes through philadelphia, so i just thought to myself that i could stay in philadelphia with matt and catch the flight from there. again, and as usual, turns out i was wrong. i call monday morning to find out that i would have to pay something like $600 dollars to change my ticket to fly out of philly unless i could get to new york in 3 hours to take the first leg of the flight. beings that it was borderline impossible to make that happen, the guy i was talking to on the phone suggested i go down to the philly airport and talk to a representative down there. so i did, and everything ended up working out fine; i just had to pay the change of ticket fee instead of paying that fee and the current cost of the flight (which was twice as much as i originally paid). but, all is well that ends well.

just before leaving on monday i got to talk to a few people on the phone and i was reminded of how much i am blessed to have the kind of friends and family i do. when my sister, erika, tells me she loves me, and that she is praying for me it melts me, and i feel loved, i feel love. i can never thank any of you enough for your prayers. i am now in a strange land, and it would be a lie to say that i'm not scared about what could happen. everyone i talked to before i left was asking me if i was excited, and i couldn't honestly say that i was. the best way i could explain the feeling is something i said to merle: i think i am excited for about two weeks from now, when i can start to have some kind of consistency, and i won't feel so lost, and alone, and confused about what everyone is saying. but right now, i'm not incredibly excited to be here, well i don't think i am at least. i woke up this morning at 6 and just listened to music and wept. i heard a song from isaiah 43 that broke me. i still feel weak, but i'm sure this is where i belong right now. this evening i am going to meet a guy that alyssa's sister knows. he is a christian and i hope to be able to find community here.

i think this is more than enough for now. i will try and post some pictures soon. i love you all.

-leb

so it begins...

2008-01-17T22:35:00.000-08:00

well, my bags are packed. tomorrow morning at 730 i fly out of los angeles to philadelphia too spend the weekend with a friend before leaving for europe for about 3 months... i have no clue what i'm doing.

i wanted to start this blog so you, my friends and family, may have an all access pass to the life of me! up to the minute stats about where i'm at, and what i'm doing 24/7 (actual stats may vary). i know it sounds really exciting, but once you get through all of the paperwork and the introductory training course you'll probably be disappointed. but seriously i do think that these next few months are going to be big for me, and i want you all to be a part of it, and i want to hear back from you as well.

the last few weeks i have spent with my mom and levalley and logan here in l.a. and also a few weeks in hawaii. it has been so nice to relax, and to feel the sun. i remember the first day i arrived, christmas eve, i got to the house, opened the window shades and let the sun flow though the glass as i took a wonderful nap. there has actually been a few moments over the last couple weeks when i have completely forgotten that it was even winter. i'm afraid a really cold reality is going to kick in tomorrow afternoon when i get to philly.

as i said at the beginning, i have no clue what i'm doing. litrally, no clue. i have a ticket into madrid, and i have a ticket out of madrid three months later. i feel like a lot of things are aren't going too well right now. i just graduated college last month, i have no idea what i'm going to do with a bible/theology degree. right before i left portland, the starter on my car blew, making it virtually worthless. thankfully, austin lute is helping me out huge by working on it and selling it for me. while i was in hawaii, i got in an accident in the rental car that i wasn't actually supposed to be driving (i only drove it once, and i was going to church, so don't judge me). and most recently, my lady friend ended our relationship : ( i haven't had hardly any anxiety about this trip until a few days ago. i have been tripping lately about going on this trip. so much of me doesn't want to go, and i don't really know where i do want to go.

i have been thinking so much about life the last few days. when i left portland i was so busy that there was no way i had anytime to think about the trip. but leaving l.a. i've already packed, i don't have a roomful of stuff to try and pack into the closet (sorry justin and cara), i don't have a busted ass car sitting in front of the house to worry about, so i'm left to my thoughts: getting in a wreck sucks, it's so frustrating, and all you can think about is well if only i hadn't stopped at the grocery store, then i wouldn't have been driving down that road right then. or maybe if i hadn't looked over to grab a pretzel from the bag in the passenger seat i would have avoided this whole thing, and you know whose fault it is??? rold gold's, if they didn't make such delicious, salty, addicting pretzels then i never would have felt the urge to open the bag in the car, maybe i wouldn't have even bought the bag at all...and i certainly wouldn't have gotten in this wreck... damn you rold gold (shaking my fist towards the heavens)... i can theorize about a thousand ways in which the wreck wouldn't have happened, but the problem is that it did happen. the wreck wasn't too bad in all truth, and of course my mom is going to bail me out of another one (though hopefully the insurance companies will sort it out mostly) i can always count on my mom for things like that, she always gets me out of tight spots. i don't worry about money, not really, and maybe that's going to be a problem for me in the future, but for now i'm going to be fine, i just know i am. -- getting dumped sucks, it really hurts a lot. it's really weird the kind of pain it is too, but it is pain, not even just emotional pain, it physically hurts. my step mom darla said, "there is no pain more intense than love lost." that's a beautiful statement, but she didn't end there, "the greater the love, the more intense the pain. it should give us some real perspective into the heart of God, and His love for us." i have been dwelling so much on His love lately. i don't get it... i really don't, why would He love us the way He does, and with such passion. and it is the times like these, when i can easily feel like i am not being loved, that He is loving me the most. i think it is funny how we can't force ourselves into a place of humility and dependence on God. we can walk paths that more or less lead us into a place closer to humilty, but it can't be a self effort, that is the opposite of dependence. i feel so humbled before God now, i feel so confused, hurt, lost, and alone. but in this place, this place of pain, of discipline, He is showing me greater love and grace than i have ever known. i have actually felt His love towards me, and it brings me to tears every time... every time. honestly i can't even start to explain why, i would think that it would bring me joy, and maybe that is it, just joy disguised or something, i don't know but i do know that it is completely wrecking me for my Love. the break-up wasn't too bad in all truth. she is such an incredible girl, so it hurts, it hurts no doubt, but of course Dad is going to bail me out of another pit, i can always count on Him for love. i learning to not worry about love, i'm learning to be secure in who i am as a child of God, as a bride, and when i think of His love and grace for me, i know i'll be fine.

much love to you all, sorry this is so long, in fact it is soooo long that i'm not even going to bother proof reading it, so please forgive the errors.

-caleb