remember that time...

when i used to write on my blog? that was fun.

i have made a few attempts in the last couple months to write something (including one a short few minutes ago) but i just don't know what to write. the last four-five-ish months have been pretty phenomenal, but i can't really share all that here. i don't even really know why i am typing for. every time i sit down here to write something i get this thought of not wanting to write something unless it's actually worth writing. and that isn't to say that things which have been happening in my life right now aren't worth writing about, quite the contrary (see statement above)

i've actually pretty well weeded internet use out of my life almost as best i can. it is such a ridiculous waste of time, which makes me question why i am still writing, but maybe if i keep typing for a few minutes then something grand will occur.

grace is a funny thing you know, rather it's an intensely complicated thing, but good, so good. every once in a while i have these moments in time when i'm reminded of the passionate love Jesus has for me, it happened this morning. i was singing a song:

come let us turn to the Lord

for He's called us each His own

come let us love, for He's said

you have ravished Me my bride

I am yours and you are Mine

You call my name, i will arise

for You're jealous for my love

forsaking it all, for You said

go and leave you father's home

come and cling to Me alone

when i got to the part of His jealousy for my love i totally lost it...i just wept...

it made me think of how i try so hard sometimes to please Him--but all He really desires is my affections for Him. there is no contingency to the Father's love, it is love--undefiled. human love is naturally with fault because of our narcissistic attitudes and personal insecurities. sometimes i love in order to be loved, to get that feeling that someone really cares about me and fill that void or whatever...but His love is LOVE--undefiled. He doesn't need a return; He isn't trying to manipulate a situation so that i will pity love Him; and He doesn't want me to order our steps and pound out a law which will somehow facilitate an outward temperament of love toward Him. He just really wants me to love Him, for Him. not with the idea that if i do so, i will be loved in return, that piece can't be earned.

oh the reaches i sometimes go to get God's attention. i'll pray, and fast, and will myself not to sin, and blah blah blah...He wants my love. all the praise songs in the world could be summed up in a pure heart saying Father, Son, Spirit-i love You. when i see moments in my life that i started to live that phrase out ...i love You, i love You... then elements of life which i was using as a means to try and receive love, became a means to express love. i love You Father so much that i want to read Your word and become intimate with Your heart. i love You Jesus so much that i want to suffer in my flesh by fasting and take on Your example of humility. i love You Spirit so much that i wont allow sin in my life to affect my communion with You.

He's jealous for my love, and He waits patiently, eagerly for me to fall in love with who He is.

okay, i'm way over my internet quota for a while. sorry for not proofreading.

here's a brilliant idea

instead of worrying about keeping our tires maxed out on pressure to save gas--what if we all put helium in our car tires??? then we could drive around hovercrafts and be all back to future III-like. can you imagine how good your gas mileage would be?

you'll thank me in a few years once this fad catches on.

i need...

an extra day of life. i literally have my entire week booked from wake-up to about 9:30pm everyday this week. argh.

voting

running for state treasurer

michael marsh
constitution party
occupation: maintenance
occupational background: a variety of jobs
educational background: some college
prior governmental experience: none


honestly...is this some kind of joke by the constitution party? trying to pull a fast one on us regualr folk. also, could this candidate possibly have snapped a photo which makes us question his ability to govern any more than this photo? im almost embarrassed to live in this state. the other night merle and i were trying to fathom the group of drunken old men that were playing cards the night they decided that mike would be running for treasurer.

one guy you should check out is bob skipper, running for multnomah county sheriff. for starters: what a great sheriff name, "bob skipper" this guy was made to wear the badge. secondarily, i couldn't find his photo on the online guide, but if you've seen this picture, you're more than sold. he has the most legit sheriff stache you may have ever seen. i mean that thing is true mustache gold. clearly my vote goes to bob.

happy voting, go mccain.

pumpkins

as you've noticed i did a little schematic change-up with the page. i'm not what you would call computer savvy, so its nothing incredible, just a different color motif. i went with the orange and green in the spirit of the season.

its like pumpkins.

i've had much more time on my hands lately, and i have been processing a lot of things, so i may be writing on here a bit more as i am working through these ideas and self-discoveries. there is so much i feel like i could write about now, but most of it i should sit on for a bit longer before i go making an ass out of myself. writing things out often helps me process thoughts that are at a standstill in my mind. not only writing, but talking and just thinking do as well. some people say they are verbal processors, or mental processors. i think i'm just a slow processor. i'm so laid back sometimes that things which begin to get processed in my mind can often just be forgotten altogether either by my own neglection, or the fact that it doesn't really bother me all that much, so i don't remember it.

anyway, i've been exhorted much lately, and that has been nice amid the turmoil, sting, and confusion of life right now. thank you all for your love and encouragement in my life. until later. abide in Him.

you got a fast car

i really don't enjoy driving. right now i spend well over an hour everyday driving from home--to work--to other work--and back home. and if i have any other plans for the day i can pretty much pump my daily driving time to just shy of the 2 hour mark. what a horrific waste of time.

i don't usually drive too fast, you know, like unsafe fast, but sure, at times i let it get out of control. sometimes, i drive up to a stop light late at night, i stop, wait for a second, there are no cars coming in any direction, so i just drive through the red light. i know it's illegal, but it's completely safe. it just seems ridiculous to sit there, waiting for the stupid light to turn green for my proper turn to start driving, when there isn't any danger in me going right then.

in my 8 years of driving i've received some 6 or 7 tickets. most of them were legitimate, but a few not so much. i've also been in 3 collisions, twice i've rear-ended another car, and one time i tried to reverse out of my friends driveway and pull a 180 degree spin move as i came out onto the road. the 180 was more like a 90 and then another 90 in a perpendicular direction. it ended up with me and Tyler tank hatching it out of my poor overturned pick-up...that absolutely sucked ass. i still drove that pick-up for two years after that. i ended up duct-taping some racing numbers on that puppy, and she ran like a gem until the day i finally totaled it.

like i said though, these days i drive a way to much. i don't have a functioning cd player or fm radio in my car either, so for a long time i was listening to hours upon hours, week after week of talk radio. maybe a month ago i decided to turn it off and start driving in silence. so now i think a lot while i drive. i get all introspective and crap. the other day i had this thought about how driving relates to what i'm going through in life right now.

i pretty much always drive over the speed limit. we all do. most of the time it's just the standard 5-10 miles over, but every now and again i really push the boundaries. one time i got my nissan altima up to 127 mph. it was stupid, but i guess i was just curious how fast i could get going. the problem with always driving over the speed limit is that whenever a cop comes into view i get all paranoid and slow down for fear of getting a ticket, like somehow he managed to overlook how blazing fast i was just going. driving fast is hard on the car as well. on my last trip up from california Merle and i overheated the engine and blew the head gasket, and i still don't think this car is running normal again despite thousands of dollars worth of repairs. maybe i just need to slow down.

for years i've struggled with sexual sin. on some level, for nearly as long as i've been driving, i've allowed compromise in my sexual life. about a year ago i actually began doing something about it. i brought my secret life of sin out into the open with some people that i trust. through these relationships and through confession God has been faithful to give me a certain amount of victory. i sought grace, i sought forgiveness, i sought repentance, i sought healing.

there are costs to making bad choices when i drive. i've probably paid somewhere in $1500 range for all my traffic violations. my decisions to speed, or to not wear a safety belt, or to drive through a road construction detour all cost me in the pocket book. when i look at it from this end, of course i wish that i had just followed the rules and avoided the fines, but that's easy to say from this side.

i wish i could put a price tag on the losses i've incurred through my decisions to live a sexually sinful lifestyle. but these losses go far beyond money. i've lost time, i've lost vision, i've lost true passions, i've lost relationships.

of course there are costs to driving in a completely legal manner as well. proper vehicle maintenance and insurance for example. in fact the amount of money i've put into these two things far outweigh the amount of fines i've paid for my negligent driving. at first i thought this ironic, but as i realized that driving is a privilege, i understood that these financial 'losses' are actually a part of the responsibility that comes with that privilege.

the costs of me living a sexual pure lifestyle are sometimes overwhelming to me, but they are my responsibility. i take heart at the words of Christ in the sermon on the mount, if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. it is better for you to lose one part of you body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. there is no cost great enough to forsake righteousness. my pastor always says that giving your life to the Lord doesn't cost you anything, but it costs you everything. the forgiveness is completely paid for by God's gracious shedding of His own Son's blood, but in return for that grace we have to bring everything before Him and submit it all to His will. His will is many things, but above all, it is righteousness. i don't write these words without hesitation nor without self-conviction. these words are being birthed in me and in my life right now. the costs of righteousness is high, it's everything. it costs me time, it costs me self-pride, it costs me money, but it gains me a blessed hope.

sometimes i just wish i could sell my car and get a nice bike, or a pack horse, or a sherpa, or something like that to get me around. but of course that's not a realistic hope. the reality is that i'll continue pumping money into the transportation beast via insurance, gas, and the never ending maintenance bills. i also wish there was an easier way out of the toil i'm walking through, that i could just decide that i don't want to have a sexual nature, and i could go through life without ever having those thoughts, or desires, or struggles. yet again, i realize the vain hope which lies there. so i continue to fight this fight. i know i will overcome. i'm hopeful of how it might look on the other side, and i'm ready to pay any costs it takes to get there.

and just shy of two months

i know...i know, i've let you all down. all three or four or you have every right to be very dissappointed in me. alas, i have returned, i can't gaurantee a regular writing. really, i just wanted to give an update into my life and share some recent thoughts.

i have spent my summer working for portland parks and rec. they own these portable rock climbing walls which me and my buddy griffin (aka griffindor, the g-man, griffinator) would tow to a park or community center and set up for kids to climb on. it was a great job, but i am definitely ready to move on to the next step. i spent much of the summer talking with the community center which the rock walls operated out of about working in the fall. earlier in the summer they asked if i would be one of the after school program instructors. so a few weeks ago, as the rock wall gig was closing down that option was spoken about and solidified. then just yesterday i ended up getting offered a job at a gresham middle schools as an english language learner (ell) educational assistant. it is a great job, and i am actually going to attempt to work both at the middle school and the community center. what im saying is that i have been blessed with two great jobs in which i can explore and gain experience in the educational field.

God has blessed me with some awesome people as my family and friends. my girlfriend alyssa is amazing. she's incredibly wise, full of grace, funny (really funny), sincere, and absolutely beautiful(ow-OOW!). then there's someone like merle, continually helping me understand new aspects of the creator i never would discover on my own, or justin, full of zeal and passion to touch the Father's heart. i am blessed. this summer my father went to zambia for a month. he kept a blog and it is chalked full of truth and wisdom on many matters of life which he wrote about while exploring and discovering a new culture. i often found myself in tears reading his words half way across the globe. if you get a chance, you should check it out. http://www.danonamission.wordpress.com/ also you can find merle's blog here http://www.pmerles.blogspot.com/ (he totally ripped my layout off, but i forgive him.)

this seems like a lot for now, i didn't really get to the more recent thoughts part, but hopefully i will get to it soon. i bid you well.