so it begins...

well, my bags are packed. tomorrow morning at 730 i fly out of los angeles to philadelphia too spend the weekend with a friend before leaving for europe for about 3 months... i have no clue what i'm doing.

i wanted to start this blog so you, my friends and family, may have an all access pass to the life of me! up to the minute stats about where i'm at, and what i'm doing 24/7 (actual stats may vary). i know it sounds really exciting, but once you get through all of the paperwork and the introductory training course you'll probably be disappointed. but seriously i do think that these next few months are going to be big for me, and i want you all to be a part of it, and i want to hear back from you as well.

the last few weeks i have spent with my mom and levalley and logan here in l.a. and also a few weeks in hawaii. it has been so nice to relax, and to feel the sun. i remember the first day i arrived, christmas eve, i got to the house, opened the window shades and let the sun flow though the glass as i took a wonderful nap. there has actually been a few moments over the last couple weeks when i have completely forgotten that it was even winter. i'm afraid a really cold reality is going to kick in tomorrow afternoon when i get to philly.


as i said at the beginning, i have no clue what i'm doing. litrally, no clue. i have a ticket into madrid, and i have a ticket out of madrid three months later. i feel like a lot of things are aren't going too well right now. i just graduated college last month, i have no idea what i'm going to do with a bible/theology degree. right before i left portland, the starter on my car blew, making it virtually worthless. thankfully, austin lute is helping me out huge by working on it and selling it for me. while i was in hawaii, i got in an accident in the rental car that i wasn't actually supposed to be driving (i only drove it once, and i was going to church, so don't judge me). and most recently, my lady friend ended our relationship : ( i haven't had hardly any anxiety about this trip until a few days ago. i have been tripping lately about going on this trip. so much of me doesn't want to go, and i don't really know where i do want to go.

i have been thinking so much about life the last few days. when i left portland i was so busy that there was no way i had anytime to think about the trip. but leaving l.a. i've already packed, i don't have a roomful of stuff to try and pack into the closet (sorry justin and cara), i don't have a busted ass car sitting in front of the house to worry about, so i'm left to my thoughts: getting in a wreck sucks, it's so frustrating, and all you can think about is well if only i hadn't stopped at the grocery store, then i wouldn't have been driving down that road right then. or maybe if i hadn't looked over to grab a pretzel from the bag in the passenger seat i would have avoided this whole thing, and you know whose fault it is??? rold gold's, if they didn't make such delicious, salty, addicting pretzels then i never would have felt the urge to open the bag in the car, maybe i wouldn't have even bought the bag at all...and i certainly wouldn't have gotten in this wreck... damn you rold gold (shaking my fist towards the heavens)... i can theorize about a thousand ways in which the wreck wouldn't have happened, but the problem is that it did happen. the wreck wasn't too bad in all truth, and of course my mom is going to bail me out of another one (though hopefully the insurance companies will sort it out mostly) i can always count on my mom for things like that, she always gets me out of tight spots. i don't worry about money, not really, and maybe that's going to be a problem for me in the future, but for now i'm going to be fine, i just know i am. -- getting dumped sucks, it really hurts a lot. it's really weird the kind of pain it is too, but it is pain, not even just emotional pain, it physically hurts. my step mom darla said, "there is no pain more intense than love lost." that's a beautiful statement, but she didn't end there, "the greater the love, the more intense the pain. it should give us some real perspective into the heart of God, and His love for us." i have been dwelling so much on His love lately. i don't get it... i really don't, why would He love us the way He does, and with such passion. and it is the times like these, when i can easily feel like i am not being loved, that He is loving me the most. i think it is funny how we can't force ourselves into a place of humility and dependence on God. we can walk paths that more or less lead us into a place closer to humilty, but it can't be a self effort, that is the opposite of dependence. i feel so humbled before God now, i feel so confused, hurt, lost, and alone. but in this place, this place of pain, of discipline, He is showing me greater love and grace than i have ever known. i have actually felt His love towards me, and it brings me to tears every time... every time. honestly i can't even start to explain why, i would think that it would bring me joy, and maybe that is it, just joy disguised or something, i don't know but i do know that it is completely wrecking me for my Love. the break-up wasn't too bad in all truth. she is such an incredible girl, so it hurts, it hurts no doubt, but of course Dad is going to bail me out of another pit, i can always count on Him for love. i learning to not worry about love, i'm learning to be secure in who i am as a child of God, as a bride, and when i think of His love and grace for me, i know i'll be fine.

much love to you all, sorry this is so long, in fact it is soooo long that i'm not even going to bother proof reading it, so please forgive the errors.

-caleb