furthermore

i continued writing on the subject of dying in my journal during an easter mass this morning. i actually just wanted to check the church out, because it is pretty famous, but everytime i try to visit it´s closed. today was my lucky day, but as i sat down to start writing a bit the mass started, so i just kept writing on and off whilst i stood, did the cross thing with my hand, gave peace to those around me, and all those things you do in mass. anyway, if you haven´t yet read the blog from yesterday, it might be beneficial to read that one first, or maybe not, tough to say...



Lord, i cant pretend to understand Your sacrifice. i cant pretend to understand Your pain. i know i am far from You, but i want to be close--I want to be intimate--i certainly cant understand Your tolerance of my rebelion, Your gentle care for this rogue child.

i´ve searched for answers but am left wanting. wanting desire. wanting fulfillment. wanting Love. it´s there, but i cant fully take hold of it. i see it, but like a painting. i hear it, but like a poem. i feel it, but like a man. take me up. no, first destroy this earthly dwelling, that i can truly taste the heavenly, the real.

is this a service of my mouth or do i truly wish this? how can i justify my constant turning on You? how can You be set toward me, for me? can i yet rise? am i justified in Youe eyes? am i pleasant in Your gaze? You say i´ve ravaged Your heart with a glance from my eyes, but how can that be when through these eyes You see my inmost? Yet a slant of the eyes from You destroys me. it sets me shaking, shaking and weeping. its too real, too far above.

shaking and weeping. its not much, but maybe these tears can speak better than words. at least grant me this honor: to wipe the dust of Your feet with the water of my eyes. i wont rise past Your knees, i wont grab Your hands, i dare not look to Your face.

later, once this life has been poured out, maybe i will know Your sacrifice, Your pain. if this body can yet be broken, and this blood yet be shed, so be it. then i may know the grave, know the sorrows.

i´ll try to fix my eyes on You, the finish, the glory, the beginning. i´ll try to understand this death, to know this life.